Strange Random DN Drabbles
by empressfate
Summary: Random, Strange things that run through my mind, mostly puns that obtain a mind of their own. T for my freedom. Pairings as they amuse me.
1. Opposites? 1 Weight

**A/N A bunch of shorts I think of randomly (ya, I know, that awesome person did something like this, so go read theirs since those stories were better than mine) **

**Bold is my talking **

**O.O Yoda? Is that you?**

**Not mine, Death note is.**

CH1. Opposites? 1: Weight

**Well, since Light's name can mean light in weight, he can weigh 4 pounds.**

Light- What? A human can't survive if they only weigh four pounds!

**Sure they can. Your bones can be hollow and we can take out all the unnecessary organs like the brain and kidneys. The rest we'll make from sandpaper. **

Light- But I need my brain and kidneys to be Kira and fight infection! And why sandpaper? It's rough on my preppy boy skin.

**What skin? Skin weighs too much. Can't have skin if you wanna weigh four pounds.**

Light- I DON'T want to! I wanna be Kira! I wanna rule the world!

L- What was that about Kira, Light-kun?

Light- Ryuuzaki! Uh…I didn't say Kira, I said…Near-uh.

L- Near-uh?

**Since Light weighs 4 pounds, and a bunch of people say L and Light are opposites, L must weigh….4,000 pounds! (that's 2 tons)**

L- Huh? How? That does not seem possible for a human being such as myself.

Light- That's what happens if you keep eating too many cakes, Ryuuzaki.

**Actually, I think L will be made entirely of lead ore and nightmares.**

L- I do not believe THAT to be possible, either.

Light- Nightmares? Well I guess some of them CAN be heavy on an adolescent mind.

**Sure it's possible, we build 2cm wide sheets of lead and rivet them together with teen nightmares, forming the shapes of your vital organs and muscles. We'll replace your hair with particularly dark nightmares and for skin we'll just dip you in a lead pool, and it should stick.**

L- Should? How come this sounds like construction plans?

Light- You aren't ACTUALLY going to replace/remove our organs, right?

**Of course not. The fangirls would kill me. And if L really weighed 4000 pounds he would crush Light if he was on top.**

L- On top of what? Light-kun, your red face indicates you know what that means.

Light- …

**-end**

**A/N Like? Hate? Can't read the formatting?**

Mello- Review or Mihael will KEEHL you!

Matt- That's my Mellybean.

**P.S. I stole both of those puns from wonderful people I can't remember. Sorry ^^' if you happen to read this tell me who you are please and I will praise your existence.**

**Next one will be Hair Color.**


	2. Opposites? 2 Hairdo

**A/N I'm sorry, but did you really expect them to be in character?**

**And did you really expect me to own Death Note? I'm not even Japanese, for Kira's sake.**

**Who let the dogs out?**

**Well it is dangerous to go alone…**

CH2:Opposites? Light and Dark Hair

**So, since L has black hair and eyes that make fangirls love pandas, and Light is supposed to be the opposite of L, Light should dye his hair white.**

L- Can't argue with that logic.

Light- You can only say that because you aren't the one whose hair purity is in danger!

Mello- But then he'd look like NEAR.

L- Mello, why are you here?

Mello- Because the damn author LOVES me. Practically a stalker. Her phone wallpaper is ME.

Light- I don't want to look like an albino sheep!

**Whine a little more and maybe it will change, Light. But you're right. You should have big, white, anime girl eyes with shinys in them and wear a short sleeved black T-shirt all the time. That doesn't look like L OR Near.**

Light- No but it does look STUPID.

L- Her phone wallpaper….is you? Well is it a good picture?

Mello- Damn straight it is! I'm not wearing a shirt and I've got those badass mafia eyes on.

L- …

Mello- Well MATT said it was good.

…

Light- Anyways what is it with you and changing me to fit your views of my name?

**You should get a high squeaky voice too, since L has a rather deep voice. **

Light- No! Why can't I just stay me? Why can't you and the other fangirls just accept me the way I am, and stop trying to change me for your sadistic amusement?

Mello- Sounds like SOMEONE is coming out of the closet.

L- You shouldn't talk about yourself that way, Mello.

**I think ballerina costumes are also very 'light'. I wonder where we can buy a 'light' pink tutu? Feathers are very 'light'. I think 'light' purple would be a good choice of boa.**

Light- Stop that!

L- All this 'light' is blinding my eyes.

Mello- I didn't know 'light' streaked.

Light- Not you guys, too!

**End of ch2**

Matt- Review and suggest future jokes and puns! Also will do short stories if you want!

Mello- Why are you being the spokeswoman?

Matt- Cause she won't stop drooling over the picture of you on her phone.

Near: I want a hug. Mello?

Mello- Get away, you freak! I'm already with Matt!

Matt- I'll give you a hug, Near.

Near: Thank you.


	3. Without The Letter L

**A/N I made up a little song that goes like ' I dooooon't own Death Note. I doooon't own you. I dooon't own dignity. I'm sure you knoooow this too.'**

**Pardon me if the Pokémon names were spelled wrong.**

**I don't own them either.**

***SPOILER***

**L died. As in, no longer exists. Here is the new alphabet:**

**ABCDEFGHIJK OMNPQRSTUVWXYZB**

?ight- That's idiotic.

Me?o- I agree.

?ight- OMFK what happened to my letter?

Me?o- Mine too! You mean he really was…?

Near: Oh my, it seems you two's names were the only things affected by the change.

Me?o- WTF? So I can say lecherous lemony lollipops all I want but I can't say Me-oh?

**It is recommended all names influenced by this development replace their letter.**

?ight- Replace our letter? So I can pick any other letter I want?

Meggo- I pick G, 'cause I'm gansta.

Halle- Awww. Isn't that so cute? Give me a hug, Meggo.

Matt- Leggo my Meggo! Eat Dragonite Hyperbeam, biatch!

?ight- Well that's one way to get rid of a potential love rival.

Meggo- How come her name wasn't affected?

Near: Author doesn't like her.

Meggo- Ah, I see. So, ?ight, what letter will you choose?

Near: I recommend 'N'

Night- Lets go with that, then.

Misa-Misa- UWAH! Then Night can be my Knight in shining armor!

?ight- Actually, I think something else would be better.

Misa-Misa- But 'ight…

?ight- Not because I don't love you, of course, it's just that… it could potentially raise my Kira factor, you see?

Meggo- I recommend 'M'.

Might- I can live with that. It's nice and POWERFUL. Like I'm GOD or something. Mwahahahaha!

Matt- Hey guys, look what I found on L's desk! A LIFE Note.

Near- Let me see. 'Whoever's name is written in this notebook will be resurrected.'

Might- Lets write 'L' in there.

Meggo- Nooo! I just got a cool gangsta name!

Might- Too bad.

**L has now been revived. The new alphabet is now:**

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

Light- Thank goodness. Light is BACK.

Matt- Ya. It was dark there for a minute.

L- You stole my joke.

Near: L! You're alive!

Mello- Aww…but I wanna be a gangsta some more.

Misa-Misa- You think that's sad? I lost my Mighty Knight.

Matt- Well at least she never said Knighty-Whitey.

Mello- You're just full of puns today, huh, Matt?

**The End.**

**A/N In case you haven't noticed, this has become a collection of terrible, wonderful puns. I apologize to all you REAL comedians. :)**

Near: Why am I here if the author doesn't even like me?

Matt- Because a lot of fangirls want to hug you.

Near: I only hug those who comment on stories they like, or were at least moderately amused by.

Mello- Ya well I give better hugs!

Matt- I'll trade my level 77 chikorita to whoever reviews.


	4. Near's little puppets

**A/N The song Near makes mello-doll sing is I Like Your Hair. Original song by Scott Vanity? The video that made me think of this was 'Mello likes your hair' by mookage on youtube. I don't own Death Note.**

**What Near does with his custom-made people-dolls.**

Near sat on the ground with his toys, twirling his hair and thinking of…not the Kira case, for once. His gaze wandered over to his little mello-doll he made for simplifying the Kira case. Picking up the doll offhandedly, he suddenly remembered a video he had seen, and picking up the matt-doll, made the mello-doll sing to it.

Near (mello-doll)-

Hey there  
I like your hair  
Who does your hair?  
I wanna go there

matt-doll- Excuse me? 

Pshyeah  
I like your hair  
Who does your hair?  
I wanna go there

matt-doll- Are you high again, Mello?

Hey bitches  
My scalp itches  
I do my own damn hair  
Pshyeah

matt-doll- Are we out of chocolate or something?

I need more gel  
Cuz my hair looks like hell  
Fucking bitches  
Ohmygod

Rester looked in the room, hearing Near's voice (though it was quiet) and had to quickly back out, restraining a laugh.

**A/N OMK no puns this time? Did you think it was funny? I did. Couldn't stop laughing.**


	5. How much is that doggie in the window?

Mello was standing in front of his personal, full length mirror in his kitty cosplay outfit. The mirror was one of the few possessions he hadn't destroyed and had to get replaced in the apartment.

He had to admit, though he would never wear it in public, the outfit made him look GOOD. The miniskirt was just short enough to flatter his legs, the cat ears stuck up cutely on his head, and both the ears and tail matched his hair color perfectly. He couldn't help but sing to himself.

"How much is that doggie in the window? *meow*

The one with the waggley tail? *meow*

How much is that doggie in the window? *meow*

I do hope that doggie's for sale."

Mello, after watching is reflection sing at him, complete with some sexy (in Mello's opinion) dance steps, answered.

"Well this bitch is NOT for sale! That's right, I'm not a prostitute! This bitch belongs to one person and one person only!" he said, wagging a finger at the mirror as Matt walked in.

"Well, glad for THAT piece of info." The gamer said as he wrapped his arms around Mello's waist. "I was getting worried there for a while, with all the kinky leather."

"Shut up Matt."

**A/N Don't own Death Note, or the song. As to why Mello was in a kitty cosplay costume, that's his business. I don't want to know. Not really a pun this time.**


End file.
